Author: Cindy

Today’s conversation in the car – June 2, 2015

Jordon: “I really like going to CADD, Journeys and Joni & Friends because they accept me and are understanding of people like me. I don’t always get that from others. Know what I mean?”

Mom: “Yes. And I am glad for them, too.”

Jordon: “But you don’t go there.”

Mom: “Let me tell you something about being a Mom. Moms feel every pain and injury their kids do – in a very deep, sacred place in their heart. They feel every joy and accomplishment in the same place. When others receive you, its like they receive me as well. When they don’t, then they don’t receive me either. It’s like I am with you, in my heart, wherever you go. As your Mom I would do anything, even to my own hurt, to see you successful, joyful, well-received. This goes even when you make some poor choices, even when you hurt me – my love for you wells up from that deep, sacred place and goes on and on. So I am very happy that you feel like you belong there, that you fit in. It makes me truly happy, too.”

 

And it’s so like God to speak to me through the words that come from my mouth – my heart: “Cindy– you only know and experience love because I am love, because I first loved you, and even the capacity for it is because you are fashioned in My image. So… let me tell you something about being your Father. I feel every pain and injury you do – in a very deep, sacred place in My heart. I feel every joy and accomplishment in the same place. When others receive you, its like they receive Me as well. When they don’t, then they don’t receive Me either. I am with you wherever you go. As your Heavenly Father I have given all to see you live life to the full,  fruitful,  joyful. This goes even when you make some poor choices, even when you hurt Me – my love for you wells up from that deep, eternal sacred place and goes on and on. So I am glad to see you blessed and joyful, discovering where you fit in your place in My purposes.

Let this ‘knowing’ of love in that deep place as a mother that you feel toward Jordon and your family be a reminder to you so that you need never question My devoted love and commitment to you. There is no way you can earn it – no way you can lose it. It is abiding in that deep and sacred place that no one can take away. It is ruthless and tender, My love for you. Unchanging. Ever-lasting. Faithful. Unconditional…. yours.”

I love you….. forever……

Dear God,

            Tonight Mommy’s friend came over. I like it when we have company. I told her all about the bugs I have in my bug catcher and even took one out so she could see it up real close. It was funny seeing her look cross-eyed, so I did it again. When she backed into the couch, I laughed.

            Mommy told me to stop so I did. I wondered if Mommy’s eyes would look cross-eyed like Mrs. Lila’s so I put the bug in her face, too. She told me to say I’m sorry.

            I told Mrs. Lila I was sorry and then hugged her real hard on her neck, but I think I hurt her. I felt bad, so I hugged her again but this time I squeezed on her waist and tried to hang down like a monkey. It was fun, but I guess I did wrong – Mommy sent me to my room. She said she’d talk to me about it.

            Even when I try to do the right thing, I end up doing something wrong. God, do You think everything I do is wrong?

 

 

Dear __________________________________,(fill in name)

          Even when others don’t understand what you are thinking, I do. In fact, I know what you will think about – even before the thought comes into your head! People see what you do and hear what you say, but I can look right into your heart and know why you do what you do! Does it help to know I understand? Because I do and I always want you to remember that I love you just the way you are and will help you so that others can see the real you, too!

 

Love,

 

God

 

 

“… And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue it until it is finally finished ….”   Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

 

Point to understand – This may sound age-appropriate for a preschooler (this is actually about a pre-teen), but developmental delays often accompany autism, and this behavior has no age limits…..They need compassion, not judgment

For anyone with a child challenged with autism, ADHD or developmental delays, take heart. God listens. God hears. God knows. And I join you in praying He reveals Himself in unique and special ways to your son or daughter.

 

Dear God,

I was so happy when I hopped onto the bus. I was pretending to be a frog. I like frogs. It took a long time to hop from one step onto the other. I don’t think the bus driver likes having frogs on his bus, though.

Then, Mr. Trumbull, the principal, walked down the hall while we were getting drinks at the water fountain. He had green shirt and pants on so I happily shouted down the hall, “Mr. Trumbull, you look like a frog today!” Mrs. Dunmoor shushed me and the other kids giggled like they always do. I don’t know why, because I didn’t say anything funny or mean – did I?

God, do the things I say bother You?

 

Dear ____________________________________(fill in the name)_,

I know it can be hard to “guard your tongue” – do you know what that means? It means not everything that comes into your mind needs to go out the door of your mouth. Some things need to stay inside – and you can just whisper them to Me, like a secret, just between us. I love when you talk to Me and am always ready to hear what you have to say.

 

 

Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his tongue and his mouth keeps himself from calamity.

 

Point to understand – Though we all have at times said things we wish we hadn’t, impulsiveness and not catching social ‘rules’ is not uncommon with those who have autism – and they often are perplexed as to the reactions they receive.

Once upon a time, when my son was young, there was little autism awareness. There was, however, much awareness of a growing number of children misbehaving in stores, churches, offices – but the conventional behavioral and discipline approaches did not work. And there was a lot of confusion, misjudgments and multiple opinions regarding this behavior. I can’t tell you the multiple times I heard, “If you would just…” with all kinds of recommendations. I felt constantly caught between him and the rest of the world – interpreting the world for him, interpreting him to the world (actually, at age 21 I still do). One night after a particularly difficult time of someone judging him (and me as his parent), I cried out to God. I wanted to honor my son who was essentially clueless; I also wanted to honor the individual – who was also clueless. And, I, though full of compassion and a desire to help, also felt clueless. I woke up early (approx 4 am) and sat down at the computer keyboard and began writing this letter. It truly felt like it was dictated to me. Maybe I was the interpreter of Jordon’s heart to God. Or His heart for Jordon. In any case, I hope it helps us to look at one another through the eyes of Love and Truth – God’s and God’s alone.

Dear God,

When You sent Your Son into our world, I’m told He was perfect in every way. He said “Let the children come to Me, and don’t forbid them, for of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.” Was He only talking about those children all around me that seem so much more “perfect” than me – You know who I mean. The ones who are quiet, well behaved, smart, funny, athletic – kind of like angels, I guess. Were there any kids like me in that crowd when He extended His invitation to come to Him – kind of rough around the edges, noisy, loud, awkward, slower to catch on, kids that stutter or mutter or cling or swing?
‘Cause if there were I’d really like to know.

Am I invited, too? Or am I “forbidden” through the disapproving looks and hushes of others. I know I’m different than most of the other kids. If I were there would He see past my impulsiveness and forgetfulness, my lack of social grace – would He give me a big hug and tenderly gaze into my face … and into my heart? Did He include me, too, since He made me anyway – or would He turn away and forget about me?

I’m really not the kind one can forget about. You put such love in my heart for people, I just want to reach out to others, but I don’t always see that reflected in their faces. Actually, sometimes it seems more like shadows than reflections. Is it reflected in Your Son, Jesus? Or in Your children who want to be like You? ‘Cause I’d really like to know.

Is heaven really made up of kids like me? Could Jesus have been thinking of me so long ago when He opened His arms and welcomed those children – looking past my today and into who I can become? Mom tells me that’s what “grace” means (and I thought it meant praying before we get to eat!) It would mean so much to me to know if I’m just tolerated or really accepted, blunders and all, and truly welcomed with open arms. Is there room for me?
‘Cause it would mean all the world to me … and I’d really like to know.

Thanks for listening, God,
Jordon

P.S. Mom also told me You’re preparing a big banquet when we’re there with You. Do You think there could be spaghetti and meatballs? (they’re my favorite) … sorry for all the questions. It’s just that I’d really like to know…
… I really need to know….

To begin with, I would like to update you. This past week after Don’s surgery has been quite a rough one. The surgery on Monday was deemed successful and we are looking forward to experiencing what was accomplished in the flesh to become manifest and felt in Don’s breathing. That has not yet taken place because he has a cough which impedes his breathing deeply and sends him into a painful spasm. The surgical pain has not decreased as expected. He was discharged on Wednesday, but I took him to the local ER on Thursday night because the meds were giving him hives, so the meds were switched. The new meds had little to no effect on his pain level. By yesterday, he was experiencing chills, pain, increased coughing and no rest or comfort. I was concerned about pneumonia. Back to the ER where they were able to manage his pain and sent him by transport back to Hershey Medical Center. He will have fluid drawn out at 2 pm today.

When the city came into view, he wept over it. “If you had only recognized this day, and everything that was good for you! But now it’s too late. In the days ahead your enemies are going to bring up their heavy artillery and surround you, pressing in from every side. They’ll smash you and your babies on the pavement. Not one stone will be left intact. All this because you didn’t recognize and welcome God’s personal visit.” Luke 19:44 MSG

visitation – episkopeo – epi “on, appropriately fitting,” which intensifies skopé?,”look intently” – properly, oversight that naturally goes onto provide the care and attention appropriate to the “personal visitation.”

I’ve been pondering these words and the anguish of Jesus as He looked over Jerusalem on His journey toward the Cross. In the most basic sense, they missed the opportunity to recognize the One True God standing among them daily, teaching, warning, correcting, ministering, feeding body and spirit, healing, etc. He was the visual, auditory, tangible expression of the God Most High, the One prophesied about and longed for. And somehow – they missed their opportunity to see it. To see HIM.
Before I stand in judgment and shake my head in wonder (especially since I can quickly read the events in a matter of moments what they experienced for centuries before this day of visitation), I wonder what I have missed. It seems the Scripture often points out truths in tension, and brings to the surface the tensions that exist within my own heart.

Looking at the everyday, ‘minor’ details and missing the BIG picture of His visiting. To get caught up in the doctor’s visits and opinions, the diagnostic tests and often just feeling like I’m on autopilot for the next thing sets my sights pretty low. To miss the sacred in the ordinary is something I don’t want to miss. I can be ‘like Mary’ in getting caught up in details and miss that Jesus is sitting in my house while I rush around to serve. God has a big picture in all of this and I don’t want to miss it, to not ‘scope’ and in-spect and investigate it and grasp its meaning close to my heart. I don’t want to pass by and just see it in retro-spect in the rearview mirror.
(Cindy: Not sure what more to handle here, Lord. It feels so overwhelming at times. God: I AM handling it, Cindy. Nothing is too hard or big for Me. Notice the wheelchair escort who just happened to be in the elevator when you and your mom were going up and she was tired of walking? I arranged the timing of that small thing that was huge for your mom. Let me handle the details. Just notice them and know they are sent special delivery)

Looking at the big picture and missing Him in the details. The things prophesied were very often very specific in nature, yet often fuzzy and open to speculation as to how, when, etc. In setting their sights on what the Messiah would look like, they missed Him standing in their midst, opening His arms to gather us them a mother hen. When I set my sights on my expectations of what this day or season should look like, I miss Him in the details, the touch of His hand, the warmth in His eyes, the protection of His wings.
(Cindy: With all the people in this huge hospital with life-and-death cliffs before them, lots of pain, and I ask You for a ‘good parking place’? Sorry for my pettyness, Lord! God: Yes, Cindy, bring all your requests to Me – I AM in the big and the small details. Nothing is too small for Me)

Lord, may I set my eyes on You today, seeing You in the details and not missing the big picture of what You are seeking to accomplish in all of this, that seems random, that feels hard, that is uncomfortable. May I see you through the microscope of the smallest detail and know it is not random. May I scope Your hand in the telescope and see the vastness of Your grace, power, and love. May I find comfort in the shadow of Your wings and hear Your voice in the details. Thank You that You are with me in this opportunity to experience You anew. And may the Jesus in me be the ‘visitation opportunity’ for others to see and experience You today. Amen

His parents said to him, “Isn’t there a woman among the girls in the neighborhood of our people? Do you have to go get a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?” But Samson said to his father, “Get her for me. She’s the one I want—she’s the right one.(His father and mother had no idea that God was behind this, that he was seeking an opportunity against the Philistines. At the time the Philistines lorded it over Israel.)” Judges 14:3,4

So as I continue walking through Judges with the children of Israel, I come to the life of Samson. But what is this?! God is ‘seeking an opportunity’ in a fairly unconventional place, (dare I say, un-orthodox way), through a very vulnerable heart. The heart of a set-apart Nazarite, claimed by God from before birth. A heart attracted to … a Philistine! What an awkward situation for Samson’s parents. Heart-breaking. How would I view this if I were his mom? Based on the clear calling of Samson to be kept pure as a Nazarite, is there any way this could turn out well?

No doubt that God looks for opportunities in less-than-ideal ways. In hidden places, in hard places. In ways we just don’t see it, or understand it. There is no place that does not present itself as an occasion for Him to reach down and stir up the waters. There is no limit to His desire to creatively interact with His image-bearers, and to use us in mighty ways. There is no end to the degree He longs to provide us with an encounter, no boundary to the lengths He will go to reveal Himself so that we can experience deep relationship with Him.

One wonders if He might just be seeking out opportunities especially in challenging nooks, dark places, so-called gray areas so that He can bring light and life and victory there? Does Don’s sickness supply Him with such an opportunity? Hardships? Seriously, could there be there any place that is not an opportunity for His will to be done on earth as in heaven? Sickness or health, weakness or strength, highs and lows, everyday routines or out-of-the-ordinary ones. All are sacred opportunities.

During this Lent season, as I reflect on the journey of Christ to the cross, I observe others also seeking opportunities – opportunities to betray, lie against and kill Him. Satan himself is like a roaring lion, seeking opportunities to devour God’s people. Every day the same opportunities are present to either fall into the hands of the one who comes to kill, steal and destroy – or be used as a vessel in the Hand of the Living God for life and wholeness and display of His splendor. And we are allowed to have the choice by the attitude or focus we choose, complete with our vulnerabilities and weaknesses! What a privilege and entrustment, when so much weighs in the balance. When we get to Heaven we will see things so much differently!

My desire is to be so aware of the slightest breath of Your Spirit so that my heart is fertile ground providing You to make the most of the opportunity You look for. I join You in looking for opportunities as I walk through this day. Open my eyes, Lord, to see as You do. “For the eyes of Yahweh roam throughout the earth to show Himself strong for those whose hearts are completely His.” May I be counted among them! May Your searching eyes find a place in my life today. Today, as I open my mouth I want You to find an opportunity to display Your words of wisdom, life, hope, love and truth. I pray Ephesians 5:16 that I may “redeem the time” making a wise and sacred use of every opportunity for doing good, seizing every opportunity You provide, knowing there is more purpose than I can possibly see. All places are holy ground. All opportunities are offered to You to redeem for Your glory.

Our family has been on a journey, beginning three years ago rather suddenly. It wasn’t a journey we anticipated and planned for, but was more like being suddenly whisked on a train we didn’t seek out and have no idea of the destination. Many questions have abounded, among them – What did we do to get on this train? How can we get off? There have been occasional vistas and sunlight, but it is remarkably fraught with dark tunnels and startling twists and turns. There is much we do not know. What we do know is Who is the Engineer. And we have gotten to know this Engineer even more deeply as He has continuously shared of Himself along the way. He has journeyed with us. And that has made all the difference.

Don’s joy has been to mentor and teach leaders in ministry and the marketplace home and abroad since 1995. On mission through Teaching The Word, he has ministered among the tribal pastors, widows, orphans and lepers multiple times in India, bringing the Word of truth, presence, encouragement, supplies. And, of course, Hope. But in early 2012, he awoke with searing pain in his extremities. It was relentless, causing lack of sleep and sending us on the trek seeking answers and relief from the pain. There have been many times of discouragement, misdiagnosis, feelings of isolation, weariness and unanswered questions as we continue along in the darkness. Many changes were brought about due to this in schedules, needs, outlook, etc. Besides this chronic mystery illness, other crises have arisen. Don and I have journaled the journey it in http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/donriker/journal But also along this journey, God has shown up in lots of ways, bringing to us His truth, His Presence, encouragement, provision – and Hope. Through His word. through His Body. Through His Spirit. Finally, the cause of his physical symptoms was rightly diagnosed late 2013. In the US, it is called Hansen’s Disease. In other places around the world, it is known as leprosy. Yes… you read it right.

However we have discovered today’s leprosy differs much from the kind you read of in the Bible. It is known as the ‘least contagious of all contagious diseases” as 95% of us have a natural immunity to it. Don is among the 5% who can contract it. Good news – It is curable! As a bacilli that invades the nerves and lives there parasitically, it can be eradicated with the use of antibiotics. Because it wasn’t officially diagnosed until almost 2 years since the onset of symptoms, we are praying that the damage will be reversible.

“You are cured. There is no live leprosy in your system. Now you just need to be healed.”
These words were spoken by the top-notch doctor in Baton Rouge, just a month ago. I have pondered her distinction. After three years, Don’s system is no longer being bombarded by the leprosy mycobacterium. His immune system has been reacting to the inactive (dead) remnant of cells, believing them to still be harmful and therefore on full alert. It makes me wonder at how I have been forgiven for sins, yet the enemy of my soul would have me to believe it still has power over me – yet it doesn’t. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who dwells in me. Or how often we suspiciously eye other members in the Body of Christ, often ‘dividing’ itself into various ‘camps’, treating one another as though they were the enemy, and taking our eyes off the true enemy. In my mind I can see many parallels.

But in my heart, I am grateful to hear Don is cured and though we are not ‘out of the woods yet’, we are on a path of healing! The enemy parasite can no longer harm him. He is being healed, made whole.
Luke 17 records another interesting distinction as 10 lepers were healed by Jesus and sent to be verified by the priests.
Verse 14 – “…as they went they were cleansed (to make clean by curing)
Verse 19 – To the one who returned, glorifying God and thanking Jesus, He said, “Get up and go on your way. Your faith (your trust and confidence that spring from your belief in God) has restored you to health.” (from ‘sozo’ – to save, heal, preserve, rescue, make whole) There was something additional that he received besides physical healing. Wholeness!

It is wholeness that we have desired and earnestly pray toward. And we are witnesses of it occurring. As I write, his pain levels have become more bearable. And he is able to sleep through the night so his body can repair and regenerate. So just like the man with leprosy, one among nine, who returned and fell at Jesus’ feet, I offer a heart loaded and overflowing with thanksgiving and glorifying God. As I read Psalm 30, there are many ways I can even more deeply identify with David. “Weeping has endured for the night; shouts of joy come in the morning.” Psalm 30:5. Can you hear it?!
And I am also thankful for many who have not drawn back, but have faithfully traveled along with us – bringing presence, truth, encouragement, provision and hope.

Thank You, Lord, for the honor and glory You receive from this, for those who can benefit from this testimony, for wisely leading your people experientially through difficulties so that many comforts can be shared on a deeper level and many praises can be lifted high up to you.
For the faithfulness You continue to show in the midst of this. For revealing Your goodness through your Body, through circumstances, through the promptings of the Spirit.
We pray You will continue repairing Don’s body. We don’t know to what degree the damage will be reversed, but we praise You, not to get the results we want, but because You are worthy of our praise and adoration.

“I want my every inhale infused with His presence, my every exhale an extension of His love.” Margaret Feinberg, Sacred Echo