Author: Cindy

As I sip my coffee, I look out the window at my son enjoying his new cap gun. He’s been talking about getting one for weeks and was so excited to pick one out. He looks up to make sure I’m watching, as he’s still very much in the “Look, Mom – look at me. Check this out!” stage. Funny how he doesn’t tire of it, though it brings out a mixture of emotions in me. Some “feel good” ones, knowing I have that special place in his heart and he wants to share meaningful moments with me. Some not-so-good ones, though I’m ashamed to admit them. One can be impatience because I’ve been “on-call” watching his play for, well, twenty years. Of course that ushers in guilt that I can even voice such an emotion, though fortunately as I look at him and the joy he’s experiencing it is a fleeting one. So the overwhelming emotion of grief that has been my companion for a good part of the last twenty years re-cycles once again as it makes its presence known.

What are other twenty year olds doing? Other twenty year olds are attending college, starting new jobs, dating, driving cars, and as excited as they are about those things, I’m sure cap guns are probably among the furthest interests from their minds at this point.

And hidden deep inside, there’s an awareness of that within Jordon. As much as he needs a world of black-and-white rules to make sense of life and navigate with the smallest measure of certainty, he lives various shades of gray. In between a boy and a man. Higher functioning autism in some ways, lower in others. He hid the cap gun until we reached the register because “other guys my age don’t buy these, do they, Mom?” He lives a mixture of twenty year old emotions and eight year old interests blended with a mixture of in-between understanding.

How can I say that about him? As I was dusting his dresser, I uncovered various pictures he had ripped from magazines – pictures of older teen guys and girls together, pictures of Dodge chargers, and pictures of K’Nex toys and transformer heroes and Veggie Tales. Truly a picture of the mixture in his life.

The grief recycles throughout each season and milestone, often catching me at inopportune moments as I want to be happy for him with his new toy, yet tears build up behind my eyes and inside my heart.

But…..then I catch myself. There are some twenty year olds who are buying REAL guns, and not just for hunting game. There are some without mothers to watch carefully and enjoy their moments of joy. Some have no mothers around at all, and have to navigate it all alone. Some twenty year olds are driving Dodge chargers while intoxicated or have girlfriends that they treat poorly. And, no, they’re not looking for Mom’s watchful or proud eye to share the moment with. In fact, the moms of those sons may be grieving for another reason, wishing they could experience a moment of joy with their son. Maybe even a moment like I have with mine.

And so I emerge from the shadows into the sunlight as the cycle gives way to thankfulness for what God has given to me and the presence of His companionship. Rays of prayers for other mothers and other sons who don’t share what I have seek out corners of my heart. Though our children may be in different stages or places in life, hopefully we share the same heart. A mother’s heart which brims with prayer, hope, and love.

“Consider the lilies of the field…

But not now, Lord. I have too much to do. My list goes on and on, subject to the needs, expectations and demands of others…

“Cindy, consider…. (Katamanthano“to observe well, notice carefully, learn thoroughly) – How they toil not...

  …Bills to pay, calls to make, appointments, schedules, letters, emails, shopping lists, filing….

“Neither do they spin……….

     …I’m spinning with swirling thoughts lest I forget something, drop the ball amongst the piles of laundry, cleaning, mending, planning, cooking………

“Yet Solomon in all his glory….

…..books to read, so much I want to DO for You….

“Was not arrayed as beautiful as these. Could you not linger with Me a bit?”

  …..well, I guess I have a few minutes. Ok, Lord, I’m “considering.” Speak to me, Lord.

“These lilies are dependent upon Me for everything. Everything! They lift their faces yielding to receive the warm caress in My sunshine and sip refreshing rainwater from My hand.  They rest, content in who they are designed to be, pleasing Me by being what they were created to be, blooming where planted, not striving after wind or other brighter paths. They blossom whether in public arena or desolate prairie, unseen by human eyes yet appraised by My loving gaze. Seeking My face, delighting in My smile, fragrantly responding to My touch.

There is so much you miss in all your busyness. You miss Me until you consider carefully. Consider the heavens and the works of My hands. Consider the love that bound My Son to the cross. Consider the life everlasting that has already begun and will continue in My presence – where there is fullness, not of work, but of JOY!!

Consider Me first in your day, the firstfruit of your time – and your heart, soul, mind and strength. Consider My mission for you as you go about what you are called to do – and do it in My strength. Consider My ways as you bless others in My Name – and do it with My blessing.

For I consider you – My thoughts are more than you could ever imagine. I consider you in how I have designed you, knowing your strengths, weaknesses, needs and dreams. I consider My love for you – deeper, higher, greater in length and breadth than you could possibly see. I consider you in all the ways I provide for you.

Will you consider Me?

Yes, Lord. Teach me daily to consider and number my days fulfilling Your plans and purposes. Resting in Your love. Considering all that You are, how could I do anything less? How could I do anything more important than that? I want my eyes to be opened to considering, examining and learning more. Thank You for the example of the lilies. May my life be as fragrant to You.

 

 

5 hours ago

I call heaven and earth to witness this day against you that I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live and may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him. For He is your life and the length of your days, that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to give to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Deuteronomy 30:19,20

 

After summarizing the mighty deliverance of the Lord, the recognition of His protection, provision and presence in the wandering years in the desert, the “new” nation, God’s family, has it clearly set before them as they are on the border of entering the land of promise. This is the time to live out their identity and their faith in God’s nature and His promises. And as we read on, there are many accounts of both the successes and failures of their choices. God gives no qualifiers, no contingencies. No places to ask, “But what about…..” No excuses. Life and death, blessings or curses. His loving appeal is to choose life. His warning is against not choosing it. His justice and love are both evident in the choice set before them.

And the same is set before me.

As I enter my “land”, I have the same universal inclinations TOWARD security, comfort, pleasure and AWAY FROM (shall we call it avoidance of?) pain,discomfort, displeasure. Something like dealing with chronic illness doesn’t modify it or qualify anything, but it brings these issues to the front, maybe like dealing with the “heat” of the desert. Always present. Unyielding. There is much I cannot do when I look around me and see so many needs. Needs in Don. Needs in my family, in my life, in my world. Sometimes it can feel stifling.

Yet God’s life-giving words speak so clearly to my heart. Simply put, “Cindy, I don’t call you to fix anything or anyone. You are only called to Love Me. Follow My ways. Cling to Me, for I AM your LIFE and the length of your days….as you do I will take care of the rest. Sometimes through you, sometimes not. Just cling to Me. I AM your Life. Not in part. Not sometimes.  But fully… always… constant… and abundant.”

Thank You, Lord, that Your LIFE is ever-present in my life. Your Peace presides over all chaos. You fill my finite being with Your infinite BEING (how can that be?!) and as I love You, Your Love surges forth like a River toward all. As I follow and cling to You, Your Life and blessing follows like a cascading waterfall.Thank You that Your Immensity is not hindered by my small capacity – for You. Are. Life.  And the length of my days.

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] John 16:33

I continue pondering this verse. What “in the world” do we look for most? Universally the answer would be Peace, including prosperity, pleasure and freedom from pain. Jesus clearly states that in the world we will rather find tribulation, trials and distress, so we shouldn’t be overcome with surprise when it occurs. Yet the search continues in spite of the fact that overcoming peace is found in Him. Solely. Soul-ly. Whole-ly.

Either the challenges in the world master (overcome) me or I master (overcome) them. What has been conquered now requires servitude to the Victorious conqueror, no longer yielding any power or authority. So, as one not overcome by what is offered by the world, I need to see it as subdued and in service to Christ. I noticed that lately I’ve been asking people how their trials and difficulties have served them. Under His dominion, they now serve a higher purpose. A good purpose. An overcoming-evil-with-good purpose. What do the trials and tests of the past year bring to the surface within me? What do they reveal of my heart and my beliefs – that which I have been serving? Fear? Yes. Pride? Sadly, yes. Yet, once brought to the Light, He deals with it (and me) time and again so that I can move forward, stuck no longer. What wrong beliefs or attitudes have mastered me, things which I hold the power and authority to overcome? To have such overcoming power within me and not be aware of it or use it (like my Ipod -7/9/13) defies the purpose for which Christ died – it was for freedom that Christ has set me free! My spirit is not yoked to the difficulties in the physical realm with health or doctors or pain or even death; they do not master me. They have been overcome! They may exist, but I live over them!

My assignment of serving my King in this conquered kingdom is to come under His mission despite the various skirmish scars and battle wounds. They are not the point (though admittedly they can be very distracting from the point). Yet, they serve me as visual reminders, training me to walk in confident faith and peace in His promises. They serve me as I am overcome with His grace as He walks through the shadowy pathway of an unknown future, each rocky hillside of side effects Don experiences. Amazingly, the Victor Jesus has conquered them, giving me His spirit of victory, so that they serve me, so that I can better serve Him!! Though I confess I wouldn’t describe myself as “cheerful” about it, I am overcome with joy in His presence and in things I once took for granted. I am overcome with peace because He has overcome the world.

Thank You for Your overcoming victory, Lord. Help me to live under the guidance and power of the Holy Spirit and over the circumstances as You take us through the challenges.

“I have told you these things, so that in Me (a fixed place) you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]” John 16:33

I was given an Ipod which I used for over a year, listening to music while I cleaned houses for my job. Jordon picked it up and within 5 minutes was taking pictures, videos, and playing games on it!! I had no idea it had so much to offer. I was content to use it for what I thought was its purpose. But content no longer once I found out more! Now I wonder how much more it can do.

In the same way, I continue to ponder about the abundant life that has been given to me. How much of its untapped possibilities and unlimited opportunities to really get to know God and use the power He’s given do I miss out on? How often do I feel “stuck” because of circumstances that limit me – whether it’s personal health issues or the concerns I carry as a caregiver for Don, Mom and my children? I am amazed that the more we enter the “narrow” path God has us on, the broader and wider and longer and higher things we experience of God.

In the world – tribulation, pressure. In Him – peace.

I looked up “tribulation” in HELPS  and found thlipsos means” rub together, constrict (compress), i.e. like when circumstances “rub us the wrong way” that make us feel confined (hemmed in); restricted to a “narrow” place.” But it is in THAT place, He tells me to take courage. But it’s not based on feeling courageous. It’s based on the FACT that He has overcome/subdued the world. It’s done, Cindy! Finished! Completed!

Even when I feel incomplete, Lord, undone, hemmed in?

Absolutely! There is no reason to question or shrink back. Your peace is in ME, but it is untapped (even more than the Ipod) until you enter in. It is unlimited despite your feeling limited.

As I look upon the predictions for turmoil in the world, I am thankful for the “exercise” and practice drills in overcoming with opportunities especially over the last year. Thankful for life-experienced object lessons to grow in faith, though they wouldn’t be the ones I would have chosen (couldn’t we just skip this chapter, Lord?). Thankful for the sense of community built upon the testimonies of God’s faithfulness. And thankful for the peace found in Him.

Either overcome, or be overcome

“I have told you these things, so that in Me (a fixed place) you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]” John 16:33

In the world, trouble, trials, distress.

In ME, peace, confidence, cheer.

As I watched the families at Joni&Friends camp affected by disability and listened to their stories, I was struck by the magnitude of what the Lord had entrusted to them. They had health challenges, social challenges, marital challenges (8 out of 10 marriages in families affected by disability don’t thrive or survive) and giants of many sizes on many fronts. How do they keep going, Lord? “I have given them an overcoming Spirit – and also things to overcome to reveal Him and produce My undaunted peace in the midst of the distress.” Some were entrusted with many things to overcome, and through them discovered the love and strength of the Overcomer of all. Through Him, every small inch of progress is something to be celebrated. In Him, nothing is taken for granted.

As I marveled at these often unnoticed heroes, our own troubles didn’t feel as weighty.

There is something encouraging about being around others who can identify with challenges, sharing in a common language, partaking in a fellowship like no other. No one is exempt and all of God’s children have been entrusted with challenges much larger than ourselves, packaged in various “boxes” and wrapping, but each very real. We have been providentially entrusted with challenging opportunities to see God at work. Opportunities to identify with others we normally wouldn’t understand. Opportunities to partake deeper in the peace we can only find in Him. Opportunities to overcome. And opportunities to share it with others, so they, too, can overcome rather than be overcome by despair and discouragement or by the voice of the tempter and accuser of God seeking to disparage His divine and mysterious purpose in all of this. We either are overcome by them or we overcome them through the Word, the Spirit, and His faithfulness revealed in the testimony He’s given to us. Daily we are entrusted with the power to influence many – either in a positive way or a negative way.

Everyone faces a battle of some sort, Lord. Giants that threaten to shake or undo or overcome us. Giant threats – but no power. Thank You for the Overcoming Spirit. Thank You that You have overcome the world and deprived it of power and have conquered it for us. Help us to live in the victory of Your precious work, and reveal Your glory. Help us to embrace the gift of Your peace and confidence.

While he was eating dinner, a woman came up carrying a bottle of very expensive perfume. Opening the bottle, she poured it on his head….Jesus said, “She did what she could when she could – she pre-anointed my body for burial.”Mark 14:2-8

 

One of the challenges of being a caregiver is to seek what can be done to bring relief, trying what has worked for others. Surely I can DO SOMETHING to make a difference in helping Don or Dad. And realizing there’s only so much I can do. And so much I can’t. The last several weeks when Dad was growing weaker and so dehydrated, I felt so helpless. Wanting so much more for him, yet able to do less and less. He was a valiant fighter of the cancer and pressed on courageously to the end. Yet all I could do was encourage him to drink by squeezing a small sponge of water to drip into his mouth. I would dab his dry cracked lips with a sponge and put some salve on them. I would gently smooth cream onto his drying hands and feet. And as I did, I thought about the woman, who out of her devotion to Jesus, took her most precious ointment and poured it freely on His feet, anointing them with a mixture of nard and love and wiping them with her hair. I realized I, too, was entrusted with a sacred calling. As I thought of her, I dedicated each of these small acts as a sacred act of love and devotion – anointing his head and lips and hands and feet. Hard as they were, I came to cherish those sacred, holy moments I was privileged to experience.

 

I am also thankful for the many in the Body who have come alongside and not held back because of what they couldn’t do, but have done what they could, in some very creative ways. Prompted by obedience to God. Prompted by love for my family.  Prompted by the Spirit using their gifting and nature and relationship with us. Simple but profound acts anointing us with the ointment mixture of prayers, services and love. And Don, limited in many ways and even in pain himself, has done what he could to make a home for my parents.

I’m also thankful to Dad who left a legacy of doing what he could when he could. His life was one of passion for God leading him to do what he could out of compassion for others.

 

May I see each daily moment as a sacred opportunity and gift to do what I can – no more, no less, no different than Your calling and enablement. What a privilege You give us, Lord, to experience the holy and profound in the simple and routine moments of life.

I’m still pondering on the request Hannah gave God to remember (to mark, as to be recognized). I need to mark things in my mind in order to remember – mark a page or favorite passage in a book or the Bible, look at someone’s face for marks or something that distinguishes them, mark a path…my calendar is full of appointments marked and circled, complete with arrows for changes! There are many ways we mark things in order to remember, to get our attention at a needed time.  Some teens write on their hands. Older ones may put a string around their finger (“but I forgot what it was for!”) The Almighty God never forgets. We never need to work at getting His attention, unlike many of the “gods” on earth who require sacrificial acts etc. in order to gain an audience or favor.

On the contrary and sadly enough, He needs to get MY attention at times, generally in marked ways. In fact, He often reminds us to remember in specific ways because He knows we’re a forgetful people. So He establishes times and seasons, or landmarks, or feasts and festivals to stop and remember the Hebrews deliverance, or even the Lord’s Supper to be shared in remembrance of Him and His works and deliverance on our behalf.

So………how does He mark us? He remembered Hannah, and when He did it was truly marked-ly, with a growing womb as a daily reminder! (And she then marked her son, calling him “Asked of God” – Samuel. Marked with God’s own name (“el”) within his own)  So does God place a bookmark on the story of our lives, thus marking time from the request to the fulfillment? Is it for the onlookers in heaven to note? Are we marked more in the image of His Son? Is there something in the spiritual realm that takes place as faith is embraced that marks us so that even the demons “recognize” us ? Does He record something in a book somewhere?

Lots of questions. It is obvious that once Hannah knew she was heard, there was a remarkable difference in her countenance (“her countenance was no longer sad”). She was heard!!! God marks His own in ways we cannot always see or comprehend, but when we embrace it by faith, we too can mark it. Record it. And remark about it to others. And watch the hands of time continue as the Hand of God works on our behalf.  There is so much I do not know. But of this there is no doubt and it is such a comfort and assurance to know, really know, that I am heard and not forgotten.  During those times when I have no words to speak, but can only bring my weary heart and ongoing concerns to Him, I know He hears, He never forgets, He marks my requests and times with Him. And one day it will be evident. Mark my words – or, rather, His!!

 

God heard and “remembered” (marked) Hannah’s request. When He gave her the desires of her heart (placed there by Him), she marked Samuel with God’s very name (shama – to hear with great attention, el – God)  Whenever his name was spoken it would be a constant reminder that Hannah had asked of the Lord and He heard and had given her a son – and she gave him back to serve God in the temple. As a youngster, his first interaction with hearing God was to tell Him, “Speak, Lord, Your servant heareth” ( “shama”) As an older prophet, he asked of the Lord for discernment and words to give to His people; God asked of him to listen and be His messenger and voice to the people.

It is interesting to me to see the interplay of shama (hearing with attention, and intention to respond/obey) in the life of Samuel. He lived during a time when the “word of the Lord was rare”. Was it because there were no “hearers” or listeners of the Word? No do-ers? No seekers?

“He that has ears, let him hear” is an oft-repeated plea or warning of Jesus. Maybe even more of an invitation. I can tell when my kids “hear” me with an intention to obey. When they listen, really listen, they follow through. I also can tell when others are truly with me in spirit and heart and “hear” beyond my words. They hear my heart. They follow through with further questions, seeking further of me. And even make it a point of prayer or follow up with a question the next time we’re together. I’ve been heard.

Then there are times others may be listening to be polite but are just waiting their turn to speak their thoughts. They don’t get much from what I say. In fact, I may not offer much at all without an invitation to share. I may choose what I say to some knowing their ears may be stopped to deeper things I’d like to say. Maybe they have a filter or are jaded and I know I cannot share things that will be taken wrongly and not “heard”. If I drop a clue or thought and they don’t pick it up, I don’t continue. So I’ll listen, for listening is a great gift. It says “You’re worth hearing, worth the investment of my time, my heart.” I have found that there are a few listeners, but most people have difficulty listening “with intention.”

Maybe that is why the word of the Lord was rare. People didn’t value what He spoke, didn’t follow, or seek further. Why should He speak more? It certainly wasn’t/isn’t because He has nothing to say! Jesus shared many principles publicly and many were satisfied with that. But others would seek further and ask on a more personal level “what was the point of that parable?” They knew there was so much more than a nice story. They wanted more of Him. They valued Him and to those He would share more. They had ears to hear.

Lord, may I never be content to just read Your word for the content and knowledge. May I always have “ears to hear” so that You can communicate the deeper things, secrets You long to share with me, knowing I value You, I will follow them, I love You enough to seek further. I don’t want Your word to me to be “rare”, but flowing forth freely to me and through me. I long to know the heart behind Your words and for Your Word to be made flesh within my flesh.