Author: Cindy

So Hannah went to the temple to pray – an anguished prayer deep in her spirit with unspoken words. I have been there many times, with the Lord and with people. Just because I don’t say much doesn’t mean I have nothing to say, just a profound sense of my inability to fully express. I am so glad that God knows my heart and mind and doesn’t second-guess me. He hears the hidden cries, the inexpressible passion of joy or grief – or whatever I may be feeling – and doesn’t condemn or misunderstand. He hears, He knows, He treasures. And I am so thankful the Holy Spirit is a gift in so many ways, one of which is to communicate God’s thoughts and heart to me and to take my inability to express and communicates with groanings too deep for words on my behalf.

But Eli, well that’s another matter. How long did he observe her and wonder if she was drunk? Did he assume the worst right away? Did he try to read her lips, her non-verbal communication, her heart? Maybe he had seen many like this, so it was easy to assume she was just another. I know how I feel when “misread” – how many times have I misread another? Sometimes in my quest not to misread, I fear I may lose discernment of what truly is. Thank You, again, Holy Spirit, for bringing Your perspective. May I always see through Your eyes.

But it is her prayer that gets to me – to look on her need, to remember her, and to not forget. I speak to many people in the course of a week. It bothers me if I forget a name, a face, or something they have shared with me. To be forgotten lessens the sense of value and significance we all need. She was calling on the Almighty God to stop and take notice, not just hear her voice among others. To remember means to mark it firmly in your mind. Hear my cry. Mark me, Lord. Implant me firmly in Your mind. And His answer (through the now sobered Eli) was to go in peace. Later, in verse 19, it specifically says the Lord “remembered” her. There was a bookmark on this chapter of her life, placed by the Author Himself.

Since we know that it is impossible for the Lord to forget anything/anyone, I find it fascinating how her plea was matched with His direct answer – the same wording is used. There are times I need to emphasize some directions with my kids – don’t forget this. It adds weight to the direction. And it adds weight when it is heeded, even though they might already have been planning to do it.  He remembered me! It was important; therefore I am important!

 

As I’ve been going through 1 Samuel, I wanted to write out a few thoughts along the journey. I find it inconceivable to consider what it would have been like for Elkanah to have 2 wives, Hannah and Peninnah. The dynamics of a marriage are already challenging without adding another to the mix! But as I try to see through the eyes of Hannah, it’s even more difficult because she felt “inconceivable”. Her rival had several children, and with the discovery, process and birth of each one the internal pressure (desire for her own, question over why she was barren, guilt over speculations/anger at God, envy, shame) would be bad enough. But to live in a society that magnified each of those and marked the women who were barren added to the pressure externally. Did she feel hidden or abandoned by God? Was He deaf to her passionate cries, blind to her hot, stinging tears, mean for withholding her deepest desire? There was a loneliness and isolation she experienced that even Elkanah, who loved her deeply, couldn’t even touch.  A place only God could minister to, and a place of sweet fellowship with Him.

These elements – pressure, heat, hiddenness – over time is what it takes to form a beautiful diamond. (“The formation of natural diamonds requires very high temperatures and pressures. These conditions occur in limited zones of Earth’s mantleabout 90 miles  below the surface. This critical temperature-pressure environment for diamond formation and stability is not present globally.”  Geology.com)  The standing under pressure is what creates the diamond’s durability – hardest of all gemstones. And increases its value.

I love Hannah’s example. It speaks volumes to me as I encounter times of pressure (internal/external), heat, isolation and wondering how long? Her life of faithfulness and choices brought forth a great prophet in her son and influenced an entire nation.

May the testimony of Hannah also be reflected in my life, Lord.  May the light rays of Your faithfulness and goodness shine through the facets of my life and draw attention to You alone, for the display of Your glory.

Why me, Lord?

A driving question that has resounded likely since the beginning of time, either spoken out loud or whispered in the hidden corners of the deep cellar of one’s heart. Spoken or whispered it is the cry of an anguished heart longing for a sense of fairness or justice; for a sense of stability in a world where formulas don’t seem to fit every circumstance, when faced with the unpredictable nature of a God Who doesn’t fit my self-sketched profile of Him. A natural question, seeking purpose in the pain or futility of what my eyes see or what grief burrows deep in my heart. Why? Why me? Why now? Why, why, why… A burning desire to make sense in a senseless world, to see hope in a cruel world….and to see Your goodness in the midst of it all……..

I enter into the sound of countless voices through the ages of those faced with the emotional grief of an untimely death,

the sorrow over a broken relationship, the physical pain and suffering of a broken body no longer capable of obeying the command given it, the spiritual dis-ease of theological expectations crumpled and tossed into the wastebasket and starting with a fresh, unspoiled parchment upon which He can write –

…and  my voice comes as the whisper of a mother who watches the child of her heart struggle, knowing that struggle does not define him, but  the weight of it will define the types of relationships and future he will likely experience for his time on earth – why?…..…

But as I hear my voice join the others, similar in the experience which drives the words through my lips, yet somehow different this time as my eyes look a different direction. Life is hard – BUT God is good………………….So the expression of my Why me, Lord  becomes transformed into a prayer swelling up within me and bursting forth.

Why me, Lord?

Why have you set Your love upon me, creating me in Your image, breathing Your very own life into my being?

Why me – why are You mindful of each of my breathing moments? Why do you think of me more than the grains of sand on the shore?

Why have you chosen me to be the dwelling place of Your Son, a display of His wonder and glory?

Why me, Lord – why did You leave all the unimaginable glories of heaven to offer Yourself in my place –the place of a condemned violator of Your holy truth, to save me? When I look at myself I see the wretchedness and brokenness, the selfish drive for significance, security, control….but when You look at me, Your eyes pass over all that and You see the destiny for which You created me, the beauty from ashes, and I am filled with wonder…

Why me, Lord?

Why have You chosen me to invest my time,

my limited energies with Your boundless strength,

my incomplete human love with Your unlimited, ever flowing divine love –

my natural life with Your super-natural life –

into the life of this boy turning into a man who will likely not realize the dreams he dreams, the hopes to be “normal”,  the normal desires of a young life with much to look forward to… ?

Why me, Lord? Why have You blessed me to watch over and interpret his life to others – and interpret life to him?

To see him not as others do, but with Your eyes?

To see into a heart that others miss? To hear words that make sense to no one else? To feel the struggle in things others take for granted?

Why have You sought to funnel the love of Your great heart for him through my small, broken one? to be the bearer of this heavy weight in my heart as I look on him with such compassion as he struggles with understanding simple math concepts or navigating social situations? Why have You granted me the privilege of answering for the 100th time today (please, LORD!) if he will have autism for the rest of his life – or wouldn’t he look good in plaid? Of scripting Your truth into his mind (over and over and over and over….) so that it will bear some sort of fruit – fruit for Your kingdom – different, unique, born through much pain and sorrow – yet ripe and fresh and pure someday, chosen by Your hands?

 

Why me, Lord? It’s Your story, not mine. It’s Your glory, not mine. So if You can speak Your story and receive Your glory through my earthen vessel, so be it!!

To all this and more I say ‘Thank You, Lord’ for sharing with me Your heart and eyes and thoughts!

Help me become wise from all these “why’s” ……………………

………………and help me say thank you tomorrow when it starts all over again……………………………………

ARISE

Young woman, desperately desiring to fit in –
Don’t give in to com-promise; Your heart is promised to Me and it’s a perfect fit for Mine
You are My precious daughter – daughter of the King!
Arise and take your place – adorn yourself with My lavish robes of dignity and grace

Young man, distracted by cars as well as other “drives” –
Don’t give in to temptation
Arise, you are empowered through My royal blood flowing in your veins

Single woman, whether holding onto seemingly fleeting dreams of future marriage,
Or widowed and holding onto sweet reflections of past memories
Or divorced and presently feeling the bitter sting of rejection or abandonment
Invaded by the sour feelings of being left behind, passed over, or even tossed aside
Rise up, for you are truly “singled” out to be the companion of He who is
Faithful and True – Rise up and take My hand as My beloved Bride
Those searching for Me will find you there; those searching for you will find Me there…

Those who are brokenhearted by the hardships of life, hopes dashed,
fearful of awaking and opening your eyes to see more dreams crumbling and turning to nightmares
Rise up and offer the pieces of your heart to Me; I will gently handle them for I not only bring healing but wholeness, exchanging joy for mourning, peace for strife

Mothers, burdened by the endless cares and demands of children’s needs, no matter what age
Throw off any extra weights– Come bring your charges with you to Me and rest
Arise, you are My instrument of grace, the aroma of Christ flows from you.
Arise and be blessed as you bless others. You are blessing Me as you do.

Fathers, pulled by duties and responsibilities, caught up in details of making a living
Arise, join together against the tide of apathy, corruption, indulgence
Arise to your calling, anointing, and destiny
Arise to making a life and building a lasting legacy

Those who feel the clanging chains of past sinful memories, the searing claws digging into the present,
The current regrets weighing down upon your shoulders and your mind, and your heart
Lift up your gaze to Me; I alone am the Lifter of your head, Your Redeemer
It was for your freedom that I paid the penalty. Yes, it is finished!
Rise up and claim My victory for you – walk in My freedom!

Arise, beloved Bride of Christ …The time has come – I draw near
Can you not hear Me?
I come seeking the faithful,
as the Victorious Captain of Hosts in battle array with victory in My hand,…
I approach as the Bridegroom anxious to sweep My Bride away…
I return as Jehovah Father, to gather My children…
To be with Me – so that where I AM there you will BE also
So then, arise…take your place with Me, until we are finally Home.
CGR 9/09

Live like you’re loved – for you surely are!

 

When faced with the unknown (Don’s progressive, chronic, mysterious illness, Mom/Dad’s season of life, Jordon’s future care, etc) it can literally take my breath away if I dwell there. And not in a good way. Yet, when has life ever been “known”? Maybe I had an illusion of planning the future, but it was not truly known. At least to me. It was and is known always to God. So I want my dwelling to be there – with Him Who knows, to dwell on the knowns. One of the first prayers I learned as a child re-turns to me.

Our Father – Thank You that I’m not alone; I’m not only Your child, but I’m included in a big family! You have covenanted to be my LifeGiver, Life Sustainer, identity Maker, Provider, Protector. How Faithful and True You are!

Who art in heaven – Thank You that You are not subject to earthly powers or limitations. You see it all and are totally in authority over it all! Whatever looms big to me, You are bigger yet! Help me to climb on Your shoulders and see from Your “above all” perspective. How awesome You are!

Hallowed be Your Name – Your Holy Name YHWH is as close as the Life-Giving breath I breathe. Your name above all others is the very name causing demons to tremble in fear and humans to bow in awe. And brings such comfort, strength and faith into my weariness and wariness. How holy You are!

Your kingdom come – I’m so glad it’s not mine, nor any others’, limited by sin or self, weakness or sickness. I welcome Your kingdom to expand in my heart, so it may influence and expand toward others. If my goal is to know You and make You known, no sickness or disease, no obstacles of any kind can thwart it. All things are brought under subjection to Your kingdom authority. How majestic You are!

Your Will be done on earth as it is in heaven – Use my earthly vessel to know Your heavenly desires and follow with a heart set to love and worship in obedience – no matter what I think my “will”, plans and desires are. I place them under Your bigger “mission.” How powerful You are!

Give us this day our daily bread – You gave me daily needs so that I would regularly seek and see You fulfill them. You are the Bread of Life. How wise You are!

And forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors – As I face that/those which come against me, words spoken out of a lack of understanding or that take life rather than offer it, it is a reminder of Your great sacrifice and heart of forgiveness. How loving You are!

And do not lead us into temptation but deliver us from the evil one – You cannot fall or lead us into temptation. You are the One we can trust to be only and always above anything less than righteous and trustworthy. There is nothing to shadow Your Name or character. You are the only One Who can truly save and deliver me from temptations, from anything the evil one can devise – even from myself! You are my deliverer! How redeeming You are, taking even my failures and shortcomings and when I give them to You, You re-format into something beautiful and wholesome!

For Yours is the Kingdom and the power and the  glory forever – I want my heart to be perfectly aligned with Your Kingdom mission and reign and be a vessel that brings You glory. Use these circumstances as an opportunity to showcase Yourself and show how glorious You are!
Amen – so be it.

Your daughter,
Cindy

Dear daughter,

There’s so much you don’t understand about Me, about life, about the complexity of your life and those you interact with. In fact, there’s much more that you don’t know or can’t understand than you do. The question “why?” echoes in the hidden chasms of your heart. Hidden to others, or even yourself, but not to Me. I hear it before it is even on your lips. Yet, I don’t ask you to “understand”. I ask you to trust Me – that I, as a good and loving God do know and that I have a plan for good. I simply ask you to be faithful to what I have shown you, trusting that I know, I understand and I work things according to a good purpose. Do not doubt, do not fear – I will redeem what is meant for evil – and will use your faith to accomplish My good will. Faith is a gift given by Me to those with open arms and a seeking heart. Faith is the substance (not a nice idea, but something substantive, something measureable) of things hoped for the evidence of things not (yet) seen. Seen clearly by Me, but not yet by you.

So as I look at your life and walk with you through the difficulties, the questions, the delayed “answers” and dashed expectations of what it “should” look like, I am honored by your determination to stand. To stand amidst many “unseens”; to be faithful to a good God even when things don’t look good, feel good, taste good. To believe I am loving even when you are not experiencing “love” on an earthly level – but often very much the opposite. To take a stand for My honor even when things around you are dishonorable. To “consider it joy” when your emotions feel far from joyful. These are the things that complete My joy. These are the things that make your worship “real” and genuine. I AM pleased when you raise your eyes above the circumstances and having done all, you stand. Standing wobbly, maybe – but standing on My truth, My character, My promises. ME. I AM your Rock – and you wouldn’t know that like you do if your world were not shifting sand. My daughter, I AM pleased. My purpose to deepen your faith is being accomplished in the present. And someday in the future it will be worth it all.

But for today, know the delight of your Father. Know that I am watching. Know that I use every prayer, every tear, every circumstance. I notice it all and leave nothing unattended. And not only am I watching, but many others are as well. Your life is an example of faithfulness. It is a reflection of My faithfulness and My power at work within you. Be strong and take courage. There is a greater purpose in it all than you can possibly imagine. I am standing with you and in you.

From My heart overflowing with love,

Jesus

n the midst of many decisions to be made, lots of “stuff” to consider, much in the noise of new circumstances, new questions (as well as “old” and on-going), I feel the need for space to think, consider and ponder. A place of quiet. I don’t cope well with constancy of noise, either internal or external. I admit feeling overwhelmed as I take Don to his various appointments trying to keep it straight (when was his last CT? what were the results of this or that blood test?), crossing out things in my calendar to make room for new appointments – while running the kids to camp, jobs, etc. And processing the news about Dad and wondering how I can be what he and Mom need as well. Feeling a bit stressed this week, I turned to Psalm 46.

 

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

God – not circumstances, not the medical community – not any other source.

You are MY refuge –a  personal, solid, fortified place set apart for safety. An inaccessible place to fear, distractions, danger. A place of rest.

You are MY strength – Your strength made perfect in my many times of weakness

You are EVER PRESENT – with me, in me, around me, above me, below me. You are HERE in this time and place.

 

Therefore –I choose to trust in Your nature and make no provision for fear – though the symptoms continue, though there are raging seas of questions and no answers, despite the roar of circumstances, the shaking and unsteadiness in ‘mountains’ that have seemed strong, sturdy and set falling in the midst of the sea. Selah

 

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.

 

The thing about rivers is that the channel is deep within, strong, steady and moving no matter what happens on the surface. It goes forward toward its destination. May I dwell in your steady channel no matter what arises on the surface, as we move toward Your city and make it joyful. I want to dwell where You dwell.

 
God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. In the midst of my life, You are in the nearest place – the midst of me. Center of center. No wavering, no failing! Thank You, Lord!!
Despite nations in uproars, kingdoms falling – He still calls to me to remember: The Lord of Hosts is with me. He is my fortress. At the sound of His voice, the earth melts. ALL things are subject to Him. His work, His timing, His way.

Cease striving, endless activity, useless speculations – direct your heart to knowing intimately My Godness. My goodness. My character. My beauty. My BEING. I will be exalted among the masses and peoples. How could they not once they know Me? Striving will cease as you consider, acquaint and know Me. How could it not? There is no use for it, no place for it, no reason for its existence in My Presence.

 

Lord, help me to be still – to cease striving. To join you in the center, to abide deep in the river of Your grace, strength, wisdom and Presence.

I’ve recently been caught by the phrase “having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof”. I’ve always thought of denying as being the verbal (like Peter denying he knew the Lord). But another way to deny is to “disallow or prevent” (like denying entrance to a burglar or when you can’t remember your password and you see “access denied”).  It makes me wonder how many times I prevent or disallow His power because I am unwilling to press in… fearful… unaware…. or even unbelieving and just do what I’m used to. Kinda hits home. What “form” am I holding – what image of God do I represent? I don’t want to hold back His power in or through me. So my prayer is for an ever-increasing awareness of being in His presence and being led (as opposed to driven), being available and accessible for Him to move in His power (as opposed to my own) and resting in His outcome.  His form, His power – in my vessel.  May I be content with nothing less.

To be able to look at the world through the eye of thankfulness is a gift. I can receive the gift or reject it, but it is there nonetheless. There’s hopefully an upside to human nature – kindness toward (or even unexpectedly from) others, and the eternal hope that keeps the beach ball afloat despite the winds and waves. But the downside is that we often don’t exercise looking through thankful eyes unless we’re reminded to or we face loss and then we realize how good we’ve had it and how much we take for granted. Taking without thinking. Taking without fully and deeply experiencing. Dad was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and Don with neuropathy. As far as “hope”, neither offers any earthly hope for change or improvement. But we’ve also experienced the kindness of others as we face these diagnoses. The goodness of God expressed in the kindness of others giving. Giving with much thought and intentionality. Giving fully and deeply.

Another grace is that as our lives are altered, we choose to live in the present and embrace the future with faith and courage. As we look with grateful eyes as to what we’ve had together, we also celebrate the blessings we’ve received in deeper ways. Joy is discovered in “little things” as we realize how big they are! Are there really little things or maybe we just put them in that category when our eyes are not just taking it all in and joined with a heart that embraces them fully? Just because life can be hard, does not mean that it is not also good. Hard does not automatically equal bad – it just equals…well, hard. Period. But life is good and a gift to be enjoyed. And can be enjoyed and seen in a deeper dimension when we focus on the second part – but GOD is GOOD! When I focus on the goodness of God, it may not take away from the “hardness” I face, but it does put it into a different perspective. And when I put on the “eyes” that search for and find the goodness of God, often hard equals good. I see things I would miss had life not been hard; had I not had to face difficult decisions and experience the loss. Releasing the loss into the hands of a Good God enables me to embrace the joy, courage and faith. Release and embrace. Release what accompanies the “hardness” of life and embrace what accompanies the “goodness” of God.

There are times I realize I’m holding my breath psychologically. Waiting “for the other shoe to drop.” And many have. It’s not been raining cats and dogs, it’s been raining shoes! Falling around me, demanding that I wear a new one in addition to the ones already cramping my feet, hindering my freedom to walk according to my own schedule, my own paths. At least outwardly. Shoes like – Don’s neuropathy and the many doctor’s visits which bring neither answers nor relief; the boot that fell hard receiving the news that Dad has pancreatic cancer; the armored shoes where I’ve been covering other individuals (2 this past school year) and advocating for them despite criticism to them – putting  me in the line of fire; the shoe with tangled laces as we look to moving Mom/Dad here with us – all the details, costs, waiting, relational stuff working through decisions with sibs, etc.  And the shoe that keeps stretching as I grow, the one that has Jordon’s name on it which makes me walk in many unknown places – present demands, future unknowns. And another sandal that has very little holding it to my foot as I release many things into God’s hands – a friendship, expectations, a calling precious to my heart,  things which spur my passion and calling, devote my time to, tug at my heart –  to join His hand leading me to a set-apart time away with Him. Good and very worthwhile exchanges to join Him, the keeper and sustainer of my heart  – but still difficult.

So many shoes to keep track of, especially for one like me who owns fairly simple shoes, and not a lot of those!

So……..it seemed very unlikely we’d be “taking a vacation” this year. Our usual vacations of late have been the drive to visit Mom/Dad or work around the home. Neither is likely with Don’s condition. By God’s grace in placing our need in the heart of a couple, we received an invitation to spend some time in their cottage up near the St Lawrence River. By God’s grace we were able to find someone to care for the dog/bird last minute. By God’s grace Jordon and my work schedules worked out that we could leave. By God’s grace we took the long drive up there. By God’s grace, the couple not only gave abundantly of this beautiful cottage to provide shelter, opportunity to rest, renew, and receive abundantly, but they had collected some money from others who desired our time to be enjoyed freely without spending time on food prep, time to explore the area and enjoy some of the sights without financial restrictions. it truly was an exceeding, abundant time of refreshing. An exceeding abundant outpouring of grace. Of rest. Of peace. Of breathing in the stillness, the goodness of God. Of breathing out, and not holding my breath waiting for another shoe. A time of reflecting on the shoes before me and putting them in perspective. Times of going bare-footed and breathing, walking freely. Grace

Somehow each of these shoes are called

grace. In what they limit. In what new paths they cause me to tread. Paths that bring me closer to Him. Shoes not dropped to harm, but to bring hope. Shoes I can embrace from the heart of a God that embraces me. As exceeding as the shoes have been, His grace has been exceedingly, abundantly MORE. Above all I ask or think. Grace within each moment. Grace surrounding each detail. Grace to breathe. Grace within each breath. Grace upon grace……………..

For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!], since we consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and fleeting), but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting. 2 Cor 4:17,18

Lord, help me focus on You, the God of all hope, God of all grace. The gracious God. What comes from Your hand is to benefit, to strengthen, to encourage, to bring fullness of life – abundant – to bring glory on earth as it is in heaven. So as I put on the shoes, I breathe Your grace. I want to walk with honor wherever these may take me. Stride-by-stride, side-by-side with You.