Blog

Jordon is a wisher, wishing for anything that would make his life more enjoyable, from cooler weather (he works outside) to getting cool lawnmowers and robots.

But this most recent wish he voiced really caught my attention.

“I wish Dad had never gone on his mission trips. Then he wouldn’t have Hansen’s disease.”

How do you tell a black-and-white concrete thinker that sometimes obedience to God’s plan doesn’t always look good in the now? That this is a (long) chapter in a bigger book that has a greater purpose than we can imagine? And just because Jordon has autism, it doesn’t mean that we all don’t have that black and white reasoning part that says if we do what is right, then good things will happen – applause, medals, rewards. If we do what is wrong, then bad things will happen – penalties, punishment, loss. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work? Cause and effect. It is very clearly underlying the thinking and counsel of Job’s friends, who were examples of voicing conclusions we all naturally draw.

How do I help Jordon, who totally depends upon his senses for all his conclusions, to process that God is good – ALL the time, whether we have a glimpse into His plan or not? That faith requires us looking beyond what we see or feel or taste or touch – that it is a spiritual sense, not a physical sense God calls us to rely on? He is using his God-given brain to reason these things, his God-given compassion for his dad to feel deeply these things. I want God-given faith and discernment to guide him.

Yes, Jordon, I can understand that wish. Truly I do. In the night when I hear Dad tossing from pain, I, too have wondered what it would be like had he not gone. When I have to explain once again and again what his symptoms are, where he got them, and, no, he is not contagious, I have wondered. But we can’t go backwards and wish things away. Even if we could, I believe Dad would make the same choices, because they weren’t made by relying on his senses, but relying on his God and his faith – a decision made in his heart of obedience.

 Sometimes there are undesirable consequences to an act of obedience and righteousness – people get fired, lose limbs or even life, receive persecution, etc., because they acted upon their Spirit-led promptings and beliefs. We expect medals for heroes, but that is not always the case. In fact, we are seeing it more and more in the news that good people try to step up and yet receive penalties for their faith and goodness. But our God keeps track of every act made on behalf of Him.

God has a whole different time frame than we do, and He promises to honor and reward obedience. And He always keeps His word. It might be sooner (don’t we wish) or later – but it is always kept. Your dad (and I) would rather suffer consequences for doing what is right, than suffer the consequences of disobedience. Life is risky by nature, but it is always a sure thing to depend on God, and absolutely always much riskier to go our own way. If somehow Dad could have seen ahead and known the implications on his health, our family, work, etc., it would have been much more difficult to make the decision, knowing it would impact each of us. Knowing it would limit his times of fun with you. That’s probably a good reason God shields us from knowing what’s ahead and promises that He will be with us no matter what.

So I don’t know the consequences if he had disobeyed the call of God. Would life have the same meaning? Would we have gained what we have, despite the persistent pain and the loss? Or would we have lost something even more precious and dear? Somehow, I think so. There may be a cost to obedience, but there are also rewards that far outweigh it. However, there are greater costs to disobedience and haunting lifetime regrets that make people toss and turn and lose sleep. The emotional pain and spiritual cost can be relentless. My son, courage is choosing the right path, despite the consequences. I don’t know if it takes more courage to have eyes open or to face the unknown, but no matter what, courage requires a heart to follow the right path, feet stepping out in faith.

I know you like reassurance as to what will happen and I cannot give that to you. I do know we are no longer in what we thought was Plan A or even Plan B. We don’t know the next step. There is no going back. There’s a lot we don’t know. But instead of this filling you with anxiety and sadness, let me remind you about what we do know.

There is NO doubt we are still in God’s plan, we are still walking in faith, we are still knowing with spiritual senses that He has a purpose greater than we can know. And that it will turn out for good. That it will move us forward. I cannot answer when or where or even why – but I can answer Who. And because of this great God, we can remain steadfast. And we can rest in His promises.

There is much we cannot do, but there is much we CAN do. We can still keep a tender and thankful heart. We can still set our hearts beyond what is seen. What is seen is temporary, broken, and lacking but what is unseen is actually the REAL place where we find purpose, peace, wisdom, strength, grace. We can use this to form our spiritual eyes of faith and pursue a heart for God; we can use it to deepen compassion for others who are also in a place of loss or pain, and pray for them from this place of knowing. It is a sacred place.

And we can look for God’s goodness, and point it out to one another. We all need these reminders. Because it is always there. God’s design is for us to walk through trials – to triumph.

 

When I go down the path of thinking the wish that you expressed, I hum this song.

            God is too wise to be mistaken

            God is too good to be unkind

            So when you don’t understand,

            When you can’t see His plan

            When you can’t trace His hand

                        TRUST HIS HEART

 

It kind of all trickles down to this: Love God. Trust and obey Him. Let your days be ruled by showing kindness and speaking truth. In all things take courage, knowing He, a good and purposeful God, is with you. And loves you with a forever love.

 

As do I,

Mom

‘Your mother can’t pass along what she doesn’t have’ the cancer geneticist told me as she went over my test results last week. My doctor had flagged me as ‘High risk’ due to a significant level of cancer in my family history, recommending that I get the test done for the BRCA gene responsible for ovarian and breast cancer. After waiting weeks to get the results, it was a relief to hear those words, not only for my sake but to know I can’t pass on this particular cancer gene to my children.

And yet, as my mind expands the meaning, I wonder – what has been passed to me? What have I passed on? In my youth I looked to hear ‘I love you’ verbally from my parents. If I solely focused on that expression, it left only disappointment, but when my eyes and ears were opened, I saw them live out love in action and ‘heard’ it in a thousand non-verbal messages.  Mom and Dad demonstrated it with their lives daily toward us, toward others. Possibly due to her personality/love language (which is sacrificial acts of service and giving), Mom did not speak it out loud then (but at age 86, she does verbally ‘pass it on’ to me today, and has for years).  Or maybe it was due to her generation that wasn’t as expressive verbally or her cultural background; in any case, the verbal expression was not passed to her, and therefore not to me. For me, it feels vital that I pass it on multiple times a day. (Maybe too much for my kids!) Yet a wonderful legacy has been passed to me, one I am proud to pass along. A legacy of faith, gracious living out love, wisdom, of quiet service toward all.  I pray I have passed these ‘genes’ to my children.

I know this is not true for many. I have spoken with many who have been bound by past disappointments, by parents or others, who did not pass along ‘good’ genes of kindness and love. The void haunts them 50 years later. So what has been packed in your life bag? No one escapes negative experiences and filters to overcome, but hopefully they are mixed in with sweet moments of success and joy to be remembered. Examining the bag in my life has brought some understanding that each of us has something to offer, and each of us needs something to receive. We are interdependent and need to seek to draw forth what others have to offer, but always remembering that they cannot pass along what they have not received. I believe this is by design, so that we continually look to Jesus to fill our bag of longings – and also so that we can pass along what we have received. How freeing it is to know that though He often reveals Himself in the lives of others, if their life bags don’t contain what we long for, we can confidently go to the Source and receive all we need from Him.

There have been times I have sought for something that others did not have the capacity to give me, whether time, friendship, encouragement or whatever. Instead of sitting in disappointment I remind myself that they cannot give what they do not have; therefore I can turn it around and have compassion for them, realizing I might be the one to give them what is needed in their bag. A word of courage, a whisper of hope, and hand to serve, a shoulder to offer. An opening for their bag to receive something new. A pathway for them to reach in and find something special to pass along to someone else.

It’s also daunting to think what negative things I could pass on without even realizing it, like a contagious disease. Like a cancer gene. A thoughtless word here, a not searching-and-seeing-and-valuing what another can offer. When I am only thinking about what I have to offer, or seeking only whatever I feel my lack is, I miss the beauty of what another might have, hidden beneath the surface, like a gem yet to be discovered and revealed. Sometimes another is not even aware of what they have and it is a powerfully joyful privilege to show them the value of what they have in their bag. It is such an honor to see another through Christ’s eyes and realize the power of passing on fresh seeds of life that could bear fruit in another’s life. And who knows how many lives can benefit?

Whether we receive what we’d like to from others or not, Jesus promised that He packed all we need in our bags. We have been given everything we need for life and godliness – freely, generously, purely. And because it is not a ‘thing’ wrapped in gift wrap, but the actual living Being of Christ, there are no limitations to what can pass through us. Freely we have received, freely we can give what has been given to us. Or should I say Who has been given to us.

Lord, make me ever mindful of all You have passed to me and the opportunities to share You with others!

“Where are you?!” I found myself shouting desperately to the gps app on my phone, which was loudly quiet. I was traveling in unfamiliar territory, a self-described country girl in the bustling city of Philadelphia, after spending an emotionally grueling day at the hospital as my husband underwent yet another surgery as well as a plasma exchange treatment that day. By the time I left, it was wintry dark and the windshield kept freezing up from the driving sleet. Though I held printed directions I couldn’t read them in the dark and was desperately trying to be vigilant of slippery conditions, oncoming cars and road signs, not to mention the icy windshield.

Even the poorly placed signs seemed determined to hinder my progress and hide my way rather than mark my way. A sign to a major expressway was covered by a heavy cloth and though I could see it under the cloth, I could not make out which direction it would have pointed towards. Is the cloth covering it because there is a detour ahead? What good is a road sign without providing a direction, I thought? Further down the road, I ‘happened’ to catch a small sign for the highway I needed, posted under a low trestle and had I missed it, I would have been traveling in the opposite direction! Why hide such a major sign, I thought? Shouldn’t it clearly mark the way?

As I strained to see in the dark, I slid through a stop sign, fearfully gripping the steering wheel as my brakes were outmatched by ice beneath the tires. Thankful there were no other cars, I slowly continued on in the dark. As I was nearing my destination, the gps finally came to life, providing directions for the rest of the way. Though I was grateful, I still wondered, “Where were you when I needed you? I could have lost my way!”

After I could park along the snow laden roadside and peer through the dark, I was relieved to see the house number for my niece’s house. Thank You, Lord, I breathed and relaxed my over-tensed shoulders.

As I lay in the warm bedroom, grateful to be safe and sound, I thought of how many times I could have made the wrong turn. Of how the signs were either hidden, inefficient, or not there for me.

My thoughts traveled to the path of life, and how especially in this election year the signposts seem hidden, covered or missing. Of how I seek clear direction for that, for Don’s health concerns, for the lives of our children. Lord, we need Your light…shed Your grace on us.

My harrowing experience left such a mark on my spirit and causes me to think of those journeying the road of life in general, caught in the dark as they try to find their way. Those seeing signs which may promise directions toward safety, but waylay and distract travelers. I thought about hidden signs that should proudly and broadly mark the way, rather than appear, almost apologetically at the last minute, near a bridge or fork along the way. I thought about the need for the presence of another who knows the way, yet of the silence of my gps partner, who I had been depending on and how frustrated I was to not hear the voice designed to help.

Lord, help me be a well-lit sign and confident voice toward life and safety to those traveling along the road of life; not silent or hidden, not absent or even apologetic. I want to be a bold and clear marker, a presence of accuracy, of genuineness and of comfort for those needing the compass of truth. For travelers along roads that are marked by danger and fraught with innumerable occasions to be wrecked or lead away from light, life, hope and safety. I don’t want to ever hear, “Where were you when I needed you?” as they travel through murky darkness. May no one lose their way on my watch, or lose opportunities to find You as the Way, truth and life.  May I be a beacon of light, a voice of truth, a sign toward hope for any I meet along the way.

After months of waiting, we finally saw a specialist in Philadelphia who came highly recommended by the pain management doctor at Hershey. He is one of few who treat chronic pain through a particular type of infusion. He is very hopeful that this procedure will bring relief for Don. After 4 years of being in persistent, unrelenting pain and seeking various forms of relief, we thank God for hopeful news, knowing His hand is the one who ultimately brings strength and healing. We are thankful for the many who have sought to help along the way. Thankful for this promising possibility. Thankful for the Promiser of all Hope.

This procedure will be up to 3 weeks in duration while he is admitted to the hospital in Philadelphia. Which is approximately 2 hours from home. Because of needs at home with my kids, my mother, and other duties, I will be traveling to and from, with occasional overnights over the course of the 3 weeks. And so it begins….

“Make sure you wear warm enough clothes for work, clear the ramp of snow, feed the pets…..”

“Make sure you check on Nana. Here are some names and numbers if you need help. These are possible meals….”

Lists of things for the ‘kids’ to remember, lists of things for me to remember. Dare I trust them to follow what I’ve taught them, thinking about how I would handle things if decisions arise so things run smoothly? Is this how Jesus felt as He was preparing His followers for His departure? Trying to take them into unknown places when they didn’t know what was ahead, knowing only that He wouldn’t be there? Leaving them with so much more than they could grasp? Trusting them to make their own mistakes and get up and begin again? How did You leave them and be at such peace, Lord? “Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.] (John 14:27) Wow! The Amplified version really hits me between the eyes!

Because already the unsettledness, the inner conflict has begun, foreseeing that when I’m with Don I will feel like I need to be here.  Knowing when I am here I will feel like I need to be with Don. What if this doesn’t bring about the expected results for him? What if he needs me and I’m here? Can my heart stretch the 2 hour distance? My energy?

“Cindy, rest assured that I AM WITH YOU. I am with Don. I am with Jordon and Karisa. I am with Mom. I span all distance, all time, any limitation you feel. Abide with ME and you will be at rest.”

 “But, Lord, this doesn’t look restful to me….”

“Cindy, I am never anxious, never frantic, never tired. As you put your trust fully in Me, you can be in that restful, sacred place where I dwell with you. Faith in Me means to inwardly rest assured. Assured that I have it all in My capable…Willing…Strong…Tender…Loving hands. Place it all in My hands, daughter. I will take care of it. I will take care of them. I will take care of you. You can rest assured in My promises. It is My pleasure! But remember: True rest is not passive. It is being mindful of Who I Am in the midst of unrestful circumstances. This is where the test of rest exists. This is where you overcome. Not when things are going according to your plans. And not focusing on the ‘what ifs.’ Trust Me, Cindy, My nature, My power, My love – and you will see Me, and know Me, in the midst of it all – with you. Trust Me enough to follow My lead and leave the results with Me.”

“I am looking, Lord. I am trusting. I am seeking to rest assured. To be still and know You are God. Help my fluttering emotions, my weak knees. I want an undivided heart that’s found only in You. Bless Don with rest, with strength, with healing power. Bless those at home with rest, with grace, with resolve. Thank You that Your wings carry and cover all of us.”

 

                    (A picture of being under His wings. Check out the wingspan, holding both close to heart!)

I am aware of facts. They are right in front of my face. Always present.

Like the fact that Don is in fairly constant pain with chronic inflammation. Or that Jordon is agonizingly aware that he is different from many of his peers.

These facts also speak (or shout?) to me from medical journals and even teachers or doctor’s words. “Your husband’s disease is progressive and has damaged his nerves, possibly irreversibly” or “Your son has autism and will be limited for the rest of his life.”

Sometimes the facts bring people to opinions, which are then offered as factual – “There’s nothing else for your husband. We’ve done all there is…” or “Your son will never read, never drive, never….”

Despite facts – what is observable, visible, or what is known by experience – I seek truth. I want to see it with the eyes of faith, to hear it, to follow it, to believe it, to speak it. Even to breathe it. I need it to more than survive. I need it to live.

Truth transcends the limited information we derive through our physical senses or objective tests. Facts can bring bondage – truth will set free. That’s because Truth is alive, breathed by the Spirit of the Living God.

Truth is, You are Truth, Lord. You are the Way, Truth and Life. Only You. Your words, as the Word made flesh, are true. They are the only Truth I truly care about. Despite my limited perception of facts, of what I oberve or hear spoken, and despite my feelings. In fact, You take the 1-or 2-dimensional facts and weave Your 3- or more-dimensional Truth around it.

What I seek for I will find. If I seek facts alone, I will find them. I am not about to deny facts; however, I seek Truth, undeniable Truth, and will find the Source of Truth in the Word of God and seen through the eyes of Christ.

That’s why when Jordon says (daily), “I will always have autism, won’t I Mom,” I can reply, “But…” (and he will fill in the rest with truth I’ve scripted to him over the years) “…but, I can still do great things.” Yes, that is where the focus lies. Or rather, speaks truth.

And we don’t settle for seeking only ‘why’ questions with God regarding Don’s condition, as if we want Him to fill in the blanks with pieces of information. God has graciously offered us the peace of Truth – our life mission is unchanged, and though the facts can limit us, the truth sets us free. He has offered us Himself – the Life of Truth for us to embrace even in the unknowing. Facts may be always present; Truth is ever-present, breathing life in times of trouble, sending hope in trials, and even joy in the midst.

Why settle for mere facts when you can know the One Who is Truth?

Please check out my new speaking page

 

“Shhhhh…it’s ok. Mommy’s here,” I would coo when my babies were upset, crying frantically from hunger, or a wet diaper, or whatever babies cry over.  As they got older and woke up from a nightmare, crying in the night, feeling alone and afraid in the dark, I would whisper it soothingly into their ears. Mommy’s here. Hearing my voice, knowing my nearness somehow set things right. I didn’t have to explain or bring answers to their difficulty – I just needed to be there. There is something to be said for the presence of another, even that of a loving mother and her nearness, that is reassuring, that speaks peace.

Of all the wonderful names of Jesus, I think Immanuel is one of the ones most precious to me. It brings reassurance and steadies my restless, fearful, or weary heart. God the Father bends down toward me, and joins me in my darkness, in my aloneness, and whispers, “Hush, My child. All is well. I AM here.” Now in fact, the Word came forth, and there He is – Peace on earth, splitting the darkness into the Light of His presence.

I have been in a season of darkness, where I have anxiously looked for His light to guide me and navigate us through Don’s health challenges and all its implications.  It is a time of feeling helpless, and alone. There are times where the news is not good, and even distressing – even this past weekend. We were informed our insurance coverage is ending and we are ‘on our own’. So amid the papers to fill out, decisions to be made regarding what we can afford, we, like the kings following the star, or the nation of Israel looking to the pillar in the darkness,  lift our eyes. Cindy, I AM here, God reminds me.  I bring light into the darkness, My profound presence into your aloneness, My help into your helplessness. I AM the light of hope, the light of wisdom, the light of comfort. I Am, and all I bring with Me, with you. Peace to you, Peace for you, Peace with you. I am here with you. I am here for you. Be not afraid, do not look anxiously about you. Look to Me, Immanuel.

“Shhh…it’s ok. All is well. I AM here – for you.” Let His words bring comfort to your heart, His presence bring light and hope and peace this season.

Let this song whisper in your darkness, your need of light, of truth, of hope, of comfort. Of His presence, Immanuel. Merry Christmas!!

Lord God,

Hear my prayer expressed from the depths of my soul and lifted to You in a form not unlike Habakkuk 3:17-19.  A prayer acknowledging my perspective and somewhat of a lament. A prayer looking at the waves, not wanting to sink and looking to You beckoning to me – and reaching for Your outstretched Hand. Toward me. Inviting me. Lifting me. Holding me.

Even though in reality we daily we deal with Don’s chronic condition, where:

      -the pain is persistent both day and night with no consistent relief in sight (consistently persistent, but not persistently consistent);

      -griefs are more than I can say as life’s dreams and lost opportunities fade with each passing day;

      -I’ve lost count of things, people and plans I’ve had to let go, wanting to say yes, but needing to say no

      -feelings of isolation are compounded by those who are well-meaning but lack well-understanding.  (Yet how could they? We each have our own path to travel and others travel paths of suffering, the reality of which I truly cannot imagine)

      – energy and time wanes though duties wax and pile high, bringing with them another deep weary soul sigh

      – seemingly endless trips to the doctor or Emergency Room produce not answers …..   but more questions;

 

                    HOWEVER ———— Troubles within or without – it matters not.

 This is my declaration of trust and hope in You alone.

 BECAUSE of this I will choose to draw near, sending roots deep into the soil of faith,

DESPITE this I will choose to feed on the manna of Your Word

ALTHOUGH THIS challenge is wearying I choose to call upon Your grace which is deeper, stronger and all encompassing,

EVEN SO I choose to listen to Your voice above the thunderous storm, above the threatening doubts and fears

SO…. I whole-heartedly declare

YET WILL I TRUST YOU –

I choose to rejoice in You, the Lord and the God of my salvation.

I choose to rest my wavering hope on the absolute, unshakable truth that You, God, are my Helper, my shield, my strength.

I choose to set my eyes upward as You alone are the Wise and purposeful One Who holds the answers to the questions, You hold me to comfort in the dark and early morning hours; You alone gather my tears, abate my fears, renew my strength physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

I will set my heart and hope and wait on You – YOU are God alone.

On this truth I stand. I am Yours, YOU are mine and I am kept safely by Your Hand,  in Your Hand – a Hand that is always purposeful, eternally loving, tirelessly mighty and flawlessly tender. Held together by You. Held together with You.