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The Landowner hired me early on. Boy, was I happy to get this job! This will help pay for so many needs that have been growing in my family. Maybe even a few wants; maybe even a bit extra to share with others. I can raise my head and not feel shame or frustration as I try again and again to get some work – any work!

Yes, the work is back-breaking, the sun hot. But I’ve been planning all day how to use the pay, so it makes it worthwhile. I’ve seen others come along to help at various points as well throughout the day, so it’s nice to see progress here. In fact, it’s almost quitting time and there’s still more helpers coming! I can’t wait until 6. It’s almost here!

But… what is this? The foreman is doling out the pay to those who have just come on at 5! Hey, I’ve been here all day and my feet are tired – I am soooo ready to leave, and he’s starting with those who have come throughout the day. What about those of us who have been here all day?

Oh well, if he’s paying them such a generous amount and they didn’t put in a whole day’s work, how much more will he pay me?! Even better than I imagined!

Finally, I reach my hand out to receive my day’s wages. Suddenly my thankfulness fades and in its place I feel anger and resentment rising. I’ve received just the same as the ones who came in and worked for one hour!! How unfair is that! Isn’t he known to be benevolent? I certainly deserve more. I need to say something, and say it now! Pushing back my hair soaked from sweat I look up at him.

“Excuse me. There must be a mistake. I’ve been working hard for you all day, putting in my time, getting blisters on my hands and sunburn on my back, but I see that those who came late and worked very little have received the same as me. That’s not fair!” The words exploded out of my mouth and even surprised me with the force.

The landowner stepped up and looked with kind eyes into my face.

“Look friend, I am being fair with you. Did you not receive what we agreed this morning that you would receive – a day’s work for a day’s wages – and you seemed relieved to be chosen and glad for the work and the pay. It’s my choice to give my money to the last worker in my vineyard, even if it is as much as I’m giving you. Haven’t I the right to do what I want with what belongs to me? Do you now begrudge my generosity?’

How perspectives change in an instant! This act actually shows more of His benevolence. It is my opinion of worthiness and deservingness based on my values that needs to change.

The truth is – He is kind. He is good. He is generous. He does not give out of my perception of worth; He gives out of His generous nature. I have not been gypped. He is true to His word and our agreement. He is a man of impeccable integrity.

This has revealed my lack, not His! My lack of understanding. My lack of grace. My doubt of him was not based on his nature, but my own. My selfishness and greed. My values based on quantity and legalism. My eye that is envious and heart that is not grateful. It has stolen my joy as I’ve compared myself with others and thought, “Why should ‘those people’ get the same as me?” And as I began to resent his benevolence with my perceived rights.

Yet He challenges my little thinking. Last on the bus are the first off. Somehow it’s not about fairness, for He is the epitome of fair and just. It’s not about worthiness based on time served. Somehow it goes beyond. It is GRACE.

It is generosity and it is right, not based on my ‘rights’ but on His righteousness.

Generosity is generously linked to grace; neither are based on a sense of ‘deservingness’ of the receiver, but of the nature of the Giver. Generosity is the fruit of grace.

If my thinking doesn’t line up (but reveals the darkness in my own heart) then I need to reconcile my thinking to match His, just as darkness must yield to light.

Getting to know this landowner in deeper ways is the only way to understand and embrace such amazing grace. The more I do, the more I can see things from His perspective.

Such is the kingdom of heaven….

Thank  You, Spirit –

You help me in my distress(es) which I feel daily; You pray for me (such a comfort,  for so many times I can’t even put my thoughts or feelings into words); You plead on my behalf in harmony with God’s perfect plan for me – wow! You’re in my camp! You’ve got my back!

Thank You, God –

You know all hearts – even my own disloyal, confused and conflicted one;  You cause ALL things – the good, the bad, the hard, the mysterious – to work together for good, uniquely pieced together like a creative patchwork quilt;  You knew me in advance, before I had the faintest heartbeat blip on screen, and despite my failures and limitations chose ME to become like Your precious beloved Son and to become a family member with Him! Why me, when You of all know what lies within my heart and what I am capable of? You put Your best within me and bring out Your best from me. You chose, You called and You give me right standing with You, none of which I deserve, all a part of Your loving, divine plan. And to top it off, You promise me Your glory!! There is glory and value in being ransomed by Your Prize Son taking my place.  Because of this, I know that anything less than this is like nothing in Your eyes! And I can rest in the peace that comes with the knowledge that You do not judge or condemn me.

If I feel judgment or condemnation it NOT from You!

I am honored to receive such help, care and choosing. I still can’t get over it – Your choice is me!  To be chosen by the One who knows me; knows me and still loves me and chooses me

You love me as I am now, yet You invest so much in me and have plans for nobility and honor in my life

As I sip my coffee, I look out the window at my son enjoying his new cap gun. He’s been talking about getting one for weeks and was so excited to pick one out. He looks up to make sure I’m watching, as he’s still very much in the “Look, Mom – look at me. Check this out!” stage. Funny how he doesn’t tire of it, though it brings out a mixture of emotions in me. Some “feel good” ones, knowing I have that special place in his heart and he wants to share meaningful moments with me. Some not-so-good ones, though I’m ashamed to admit them. One can be impatience because I’ve been “on-call” watching his play for, well, twenty years. Of course that ushers in guilt that I can even voice such an emotion, though fortunately as I look at him and the joy he’s experiencing it is a fleeting one. So the overwhelming emotion of grief that has been my companion for a good part of the last twenty years re-cycles once again as it makes its presence known.

What are other twenty year olds doing? Other twenty year olds are attending college, starting new jobs, dating, driving cars, and as excited as they are about those things, I’m sure cap guns are probably among the furthest interests from their minds at this point.

And hidden deep inside, there’s an awareness of that within Jordon. As much as he needs a world of black-and-white rules to make sense of life and navigate with the smallest measure of certainty, he lives various shades of gray. In between a boy and a man. Higher functioning autism in some ways, lower in others. He hid the cap gun until we reached the register because “other guys my age don’t buy these, do they, Mom?” He lives a mixture of twenty year old emotions and eight year old interests blended with a mixture of in-between understanding.

How can I say that about him? As I was dusting his dresser, I uncovered various pictures he had ripped from magazines – pictures of older teen guys and girls together, pictures of Dodge chargers, and pictures of K’Nex toys and transformer heroes and Veggie Tales. Truly a picture of the mixture in his life.

The grief recycles throughout each season and milestone, often catching me at inopportune moments as I want to be happy for him with his new toy, yet tears build up behind my eyes and inside my heart.

But…..then I catch myself. There are some twenty year olds who are buying REAL guns, and not just for hunting game. There are some without mothers to watch carefully and enjoy their moments of joy. Some have no mothers around at all, and have to navigate it all alone. Some twenty year olds are driving Dodge chargers while intoxicated or have girlfriends that they treat poorly. And, no, they’re not looking for Mom’s watchful or proud eye to share the moment with. In fact, the moms of those sons may be grieving for another reason, wishing they could experience a moment of joy with their son. Maybe even a moment like I have with mine.

And so I emerge from the shadows into the sunlight as the cycle gives way to thankfulness for what God has given to me and the presence of His companionship. Rays of prayers for other mothers and other sons who don’t share what I have seek out corners of my heart. Though our children may be in different stages or places in life, hopefully we share the same heart. A mother’s heart which brims with prayer, hope, and love.

“Consider the lilies of the field…

But not now, Lord. I have too much to do. My list goes on and on, subject to the needs, expectations and demands of others…

“Cindy, consider…. (Katamanthano“to observe well, notice carefully, learn thoroughly) – How they toil not...

  …Bills to pay, calls to make, appointments, schedules, letters, emails, shopping lists, filing….

“Neither do they spin……….

     …I’m spinning with swirling thoughts lest I forget something, drop the ball amongst the piles of laundry, cleaning, mending, planning, cooking………

“Yet Solomon in all his glory….

…..books to read, so much I want to DO for You….

“Was not arrayed as beautiful as these. Could you not linger with Me a bit?”

  …..well, I guess I have a few minutes. Ok, Lord, I’m “considering.” Speak to me, Lord.

“These lilies are dependent upon Me for everything. Everything! They lift their faces yielding to receive the warm caress in My sunshine and sip refreshing rainwater from My hand.  They rest, content in who they are designed to be, pleasing Me by being what they were created to be, blooming where planted, not striving after wind or other brighter paths. They blossom whether in public arena or desolate prairie, unseen by human eyes yet appraised by My loving gaze. Seeking My face, delighting in My smile, fragrantly responding to My touch.

There is so much you miss in all your busyness. You miss Me until you consider carefully. Consider the heavens and the works of My hands. Consider the love that bound My Son to the cross. Consider the life everlasting that has already begun and will continue in My presence – where there is fullness, not of work, but of JOY!!

Consider Me first in your day, the firstfruit of your time – and your heart, soul, mind and strength. Consider My mission for you as you go about what you are called to do – and do it in My strength. Consider My ways as you bless others in My Name – and do it with My blessing.

For I consider you – My thoughts are more than you could ever imagine. I consider you in how I have designed you, knowing your strengths, weaknesses, needs and dreams. I consider My love for you – deeper, higher, greater in length and breadth than you could possibly see. I consider you in all the ways I provide for you.

Will you consider Me?

Yes, Lord. Teach me daily to consider and number my days fulfilling Your plans and purposes. Resting in Your love. Considering all that You are, how could I do anything less? How could I do anything more important than that? I want my eyes to be opened to considering, examining and learning more. Thank You for the example of the lilies. May my life be as fragrant to You.

 

 

5 hours ago

I call heaven and earth to witness this day against you that I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live and may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him. For He is your life and the length of your days, that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to give to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Deuteronomy 30:19,20

 

After summarizing the mighty deliverance of the Lord, the recognition of His protection, provision and presence in the wandering years in the desert, the “new” nation, God’s family, has it clearly set before them as they are on the border of entering the land of promise. This is the time to live out their identity and their faith in God’s nature and His promises. And as we read on, there are many accounts of both the successes and failures of their choices. God gives no qualifiers, no contingencies. No places to ask, “But what about…..” No excuses. Life and death, blessings or curses. His loving appeal is to choose life. His warning is against not choosing it. His justice and love are both evident in the choice set before them.

And the same is set before me.

As I enter my “land”, I have the same universal inclinations TOWARD security, comfort, pleasure and AWAY FROM (shall we call it avoidance of?) pain,discomfort, displeasure. Something like dealing with chronic illness doesn’t modify it or qualify anything, but it brings these issues to the front, maybe like dealing with the “heat” of the desert. Always present. Unyielding. There is much I cannot do when I look around me and see so many needs. Needs in Don. Needs in my family, in my life, in my world. Sometimes it can feel stifling.

Yet God’s life-giving words speak so clearly to my heart. Simply put, “Cindy, I don’t call you to fix anything or anyone. You are only called to Love Me. Follow My ways. Cling to Me, for I AM your LIFE and the length of your days….as you do I will take care of the rest. Sometimes through you, sometimes not. Just cling to Me. I AM your Life. Not in part. Not sometimes.  But fully… always… constant… and abundant.”

Thank You, Lord, that Your LIFE is ever-present in my life. Your Peace presides over all chaos. You fill my finite being with Your infinite BEING (how can that be?!) and as I love You, Your Love surges forth like a River toward all. As I follow and cling to You, Your Life and blessing follows like a cascading waterfall.Thank You that Your Immensity is not hindered by my small capacity – for You. Are. Life.  And the length of my days.

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] John 16:33

I continue pondering this verse. What “in the world” do we look for most? Universally the answer would be Peace, including prosperity, pleasure and freedom from pain. Jesus clearly states that in the world we will rather find tribulation, trials and distress, so we shouldn’t be overcome with surprise when it occurs. Yet the search continues in spite of the fact that overcoming peace is found in Him. Solely. Soul-ly. Whole-ly.

Either the challenges in the world master (overcome) me or I master (overcome) them. What has been conquered now requires servitude to the Victorious conqueror, no longer yielding any power or authority. So, as one not overcome by what is offered by the world, I need to see it as subdued and in service to Christ. I noticed that lately I’ve been asking people how their trials and difficulties have served them. Under His dominion, they now serve a higher purpose. A good purpose. An overcoming-evil-with-good purpose. What do the trials and tests of the past year bring to the surface within me? What do they reveal of my heart and my beliefs – that which I have been serving? Fear? Yes. Pride? Sadly, yes. Yet, once brought to the Light, He deals with it (and me) time and again so that I can move forward, stuck no longer. What wrong beliefs or attitudes have mastered me, things which I hold the power and authority to overcome? To have such overcoming power within me and not be aware of it or use it (like my Ipod -7/9/13) defies the purpose for which Christ died – it was for freedom that Christ has set me free! My spirit is not yoked to the difficulties in the physical realm with health or doctors or pain or even death; they do not master me. They have been overcome! They may exist, but I live over them!

My assignment of serving my King in this conquered kingdom is to come under His mission despite the various skirmish scars and battle wounds. They are not the point (though admittedly they can be very distracting from the point). Yet, they serve me as visual reminders, training me to walk in confident faith and peace in His promises. They serve me as I am overcome with His grace as He walks through the shadowy pathway of an unknown future, each rocky hillside of side effects Don experiences. Amazingly, the Victor Jesus has conquered them, giving me His spirit of victory, so that they serve me, so that I can better serve Him!! Though I confess I wouldn’t describe myself as “cheerful” about it, I am overcome with joy in His presence and in things I once took for granted. I am overcome with peace because He has overcome the world.

Thank You for Your overcoming victory, Lord. Help me to live under the guidance and power of the Holy Spirit and over the circumstances as You take us through the challenges.

“I have told you these things, so that in Me (a fixed place) you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]” John 16:33

I was given an Ipod which I used for over a year, listening to music while I cleaned houses for my job. Jordon picked it up and within 5 minutes was taking pictures, videos, and playing games on it!! I had no idea it had so much to offer. I was content to use it for what I thought was its purpose. But content no longer once I found out more! Now I wonder how much more it can do.

In the same way, I continue to ponder about the abundant life that has been given to me. How much of its untapped possibilities and unlimited opportunities to really get to know God and use the power He’s given do I miss out on? How often do I feel “stuck” because of circumstances that limit me – whether it’s personal health issues or the concerns I carry as a caregiver for Don, Mom and my children? I am amazed that the more we enter the “narrow” path God has us on, the broader and wider and longer and higher things we experience of God.

In the world – tribulation, pressure. In Him – peace.

I looked up “tribulation” in HELPS  and found thlipsos means” rub together, constrict (compress), i.e. like when circumstances “rub us the wrong way” that make us feel confined (hemmed in); restricted to a “narrow” place.” But it is in THAT place, He tells me to take courage. But it’s not based on feeling courageous. It’s based on the FACT that He has overcome/subdued the world. It’s done, Cindy! Finished! Completed!

Even when I feel incomplete, Lord, undone, hemmed in?

Absolutely! There is no reason to question or shrink back. Your peace is in ME, but it is untapped (even more than the Ipod) until you enter in. It is unlimited despite your feeling limited.

As I look upon the predictions for turmoil in the world, I am thankful for the “exercise” and practice drills in overcoming with opportunities especially over the last year. Thankful for life-experienced object lessons to grow in faith, though they wouldn’t be the ones I would have chosen (couldn’t we just skip this chapter, Lord?). Thankful for the sense of community built upon the testimonies of God’s faithfulness. And thankful for the peace found in Him.

Either overcome, or be overcome

“I have told you these things, so that in Me (a fixed place) you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]” John 16:33

In the world, trouble, trials, distress.

In ME, peace, confidence, cheer.

As I watched the families at Joni&Friends camp affected by disability and listened to their stories, I was struck by the magnitude of what the Lord had entrusted to them. They had health challenges, social challenges, marital challenges (8 out of 10 marriages in families affected by disability don’t thrive or survive) and giants of many sizes on many fronts. How do they keep going, Lord? “I have given them an overcoming Spirit – and also things to overcome to reveal Him and produce My undaunted peace in the midst of the distress.” Some were entrusted with many things to overcome, and through them discovered the love and strength of the Overcomer of all. Through Him, every small inch of progress is something to be celebrated. In Him, nothing is taken for granted.

As I marveled at these often unnoticed heroes, our own troubles didn’t feel as weighty.

There is something encouraging about being around others who can identify with challenges, sharing in a common language, partaking in a fellowship like no other. No one is exempt and all of God’s children have been entrusted with challenges much larger than ourselves, packaged in various “boxes” and wrapping, but each very real. We have been providentially entrusted with challenging opportunities to see God at work. Opportunities to identify with others we normally wouldn’t understand. Opportunities to partake deeper in the peace we can only find in Him. Opportunities to overcome. And opportunities to share it with others, so they, too, can overcome rather than be overcome by despair and discouragement or by the voice of the tempter and accuser of God seeking to disparage His divine and mysterious purpose in all of this. We either are overcome by them or we overcome them through the Word, the Spirit, and His faithfulness revealed in the testimony He’s given to us. Daily we are entrusted with the power to influence many – either in a positive way or a negative way.

Everyone faces a battle of some sort, Lord. Giants that threaten to shake or undo or overcome us. Giant threats – but no power. Thank You for the Overcoming Spirit. Thank You that You have overcome the world and deprived it of power and have conquered it for us. Help us to live in the victory of Your precious work, and reveal Your glory. Help us to embrace the gift of Your peace and confidence.

While he was eating dinner, a woman came up carrying a bottle of very expensive perfume. Opening the bottle, she poured it on his head….Jesus said, “She did what she could when she could – she pre-anointed my body for burial.”Mark 14:2-8

 

One of the challenges of being a caregiver is to seek what can be done to bring relief, trying what has worked for others. Surely I can DO SOMETHING to make a difference in helping Don or Dad. And realizing there’s only so much I can do. And so much I can’t. The last several weeks when Dad was growing weaker and so dehydrated, I felt so helpless. Wanting so much more for him, yet able to do less and less. He was a valiant fighter of the cancer and pressed on courageously to the end. Yet all I could do was encourage him to drink by squeezing a small sponge of water to drip into his mouth. I would dab his dry cracked lips with a sponge and put some salve on them. I would gently smooth cream onto his drying hands and feet. And as I did, I thought about the woman, who out of her devotion to Jesus, took her most precious ointment and poured it freely on His feet, anointing them with a mixture of nard and love and wiping them with her hair. I realized I, too, was entrusted with a sacred calling. As I thought of her, I dedicated each of these small acts as a sacred act of love and devotion – anointing his head and lips and hands and feet. Hard as they were, I came to cherish those sacred, holy moments I was privileged to experience.

 

I am also thankful for the many in the Body who have come alongside and not held back because of what they couldn’t do, but have done what they could, in some very creative ways. Prompted by obedience to God. Prompted by love for my family.  Prompted by the Spirit using their gifting and nature and relationship with us. Simple but profound acts anointing us with the ointment mixture of prayers, services and love. And Don, limited in many ways and even in pain himself, has done what he could to make a home for my parents.

I’m also thankful to Dad who left a legacy of doing what he could when he could. His life was one of passion for God leading him to do what he could out of compassion for others.

 

May I see each daily moment as a sacred opportunity and gift to do what I can – no more, no less, no different than Your calling and enablement. What a privilege You give us, Lord, to experience the holy and profound in the simple and routine moments of life.